The Dance of Fear

Michelle Fairchild

Overnight a light snow had painted a beautiful wintry scene. Driving my daughters to daycare I couldn’t help but smile at the snow covered trees and fields. I told the girls several times that it had snowed and to see how pretty everything looked. They oohed and aahed as two year olds will and said several times, “Cold mommy, cold!”

A van coming from the other direction caught my attention. In the passenger side of the front window I saw two brightly colored things shoved up against the windshield. It took my mind a moment to realize that there must have been a passenger riding with her bright colored slippers up on the dashboard. My mind then flashed to a vision of a young woman leaning back in the passenger seat of a car. The windows are down, her long hair is flying and she has her bare feet propped up on the edge of the window. She is laughing and carefree on a gorgeous summer day.

The image felt so warm and perfect.

Yet then the thought that it wasn’t safe to prop one’s feet up on a dashboard or out a window started to stream into my consciousness. What if they were in a car accident? She would probably lose her feet.

Before these thoughts could grow into a cacophony I realized how this way of thinking is based on fear. Fear of what could happen. Fear of “what if.”

That young carefree woman, bare feet hanging out the window, that I had imagined, was living in the moment and enjoying life. She wasn’t worrying or living in fear of being in a car accident in the next five minutes. I thought about how this world we live in seems more and more to be in a state of fear.

Consider all of the laws that have come into being in the last forty years. Laws that are meant to keep us safe. Helmet laws for motorcyclists and kids riding bikes. Seat belt laws. Some of these laws are saving lives and keeping people safer. Yet there is also a sad aspect to such mandates. It makes it seem as if such laws just make us more aware of what could happen. People grow more scared and begin to carry the fear around with them. Headlines promote the idea that there are terrorists and creepy child snatchers lurking in every dark corner. There seems to be a more constant reminder of we can get hurt or even worse die.

The truth that we all seem to want to hide from is that we all are going to die some day. We get sick. We grow old. We have accidents. We are human.

What I have begun to question is are we going to live life fully and embrace it with abandon or do we choose to live it fearfully and with trepidation.

Exactly how do we keep from being sucked into living a fearful life? Or if we already are living a fearful life, how do we stop?

“Fear is not something to be conquered or eliminated — or even tackled, for that matter” writes Harriet Lerner, author of The Dance of Fear. “Instead, we may need to pay close attention to its message.” Another passage that jumps out at me from The Dance of Fear, “We may believe that anxiety and fear don’t concern us because we avoid experiencing them. We may keep the scope of our lives narrow and familiar, opting for sameness and safety. We may not even know that we are scared of success, failure, rejection, criticism, conflict, competition, intimacy, or adventure, because we rarely test the limits of our competence and creativity. We avoid anxiety by avoiding risk and change. Our challenge: To be willing to become more anxious, via embracing new situations and stepping more fully into our lives.”

The message I take from this passage is that we can’t outrun our fears. We can’t vacuum them up and throw them away. Fear is part of being human. It is more about what we do with our fears. Do we let them control us? Do we sit in the chair tapping our toes when we really want to cut loose and dance? Do we stay in a daily rut instead of signing up for that class or asking that guy we’ve been crushing on out on a date?

What if we embrace our fears and do it anyway? What if we say to ourselves every morning “This may be my last day living. What do I want to accomplish? What do I want to do with these precious 24 hours?”

Activity ~ Visualize that you are no longer afraid. Make a list of things the new FEARLESS you would do. Here are a few ideas:

Go to a hot springs with some girlfriends and dive in the water naked.
Take dancing lessons.
Tell the truth to your family about being molested as a child.
Really belt out a song on karaoke night while sober.
Apologize and try to heal a relationship.
Tell the people who mean the most to you that you love them, while staring them in the eyes.
Ride your bike without any hands.
Take a trip by yourself.
Stand up for yourself when someone is rude.
Apply for your dream job.
Go skydiving!
Ride in a car, the windows down, your hair flying and your feet hanging out the passenger window.

Suggested Reading ~ The Dance of Fear: Rising Above Anxiety, Fear and Shame to Be Your Best and Bravest Self by Harriet Lerner, PhD

Here is an excerpt:

Fear is not something to be conquered or eliminated — or even tackled, for that matter. Instead, we may need to pay close attention to its message. Most of us experience fear as a kind of stop sign or flashing red light that warns: “Danger! Do not enter!” But we may need to decode that signal and consider what it’s trying to convey. What is the actual nature of the danger? Is it past or present, real or imagined? Are we feeling anxious because we are boldly charting new territory, or because we’re about to do something stupid?

Sometimes we feel a stab of fear or a wave of anxiety because our unconscious is warning us that we’re truly off track. Perhaps we shouldn’t send that angry e-mail or buy that adorable “fixer-upper” house. Maybe we shouldn’t rush into a particular job, conversation, trip, marriage, or divorce. In such cases, fear can operate as a wise protector, one we need to honor and respect.

Yet if fear was always a legitimate warning signal, we might never show up for a doctor’s appointment, speak up when we feel passionate about something, or leave a dead-end relationship. There are times when we need to push past our dread and resolve –with our hearts pounding in our chests — to act.

At still other times, we may need to identify the actual sources of fear —past or present — that may be obscured from our view. For example, the anxiety that washes over you when you contemplate confronting your spouse may mask an underlying, ancient terror of speaking up to your father when you were a child. Clarifying these deeper sources of anxiety may help you to talk straightforwardly with your partner. Fear is a message–sometime helpful, sometimes not–but often conveying critical information about our beliefs, our needs, and our relationship to the world around us.

Emotional Pits

Michelle Fairchild

Yesterday I had a choice to make. I could either choose to just observe my feelings in a situation that triggered old hurts in me and pushed my buttons or I could spiral on down into an emotional pit where I would undoubtedly beat myself up.

Imagine a mosh pit. I’ve never been in one myself, but I’ve seen them depicted in movies, where a group of people body slam and pummel one another. In a personal mosh pit it would just be me, slapping myself, kicking myself, throwing a few good strong gut punches. Imagining this scene almost made me start to laugh. I mean, the visual of me kicking my own ass really is quite hysterical. Yet, on the serious side, isn’t that really what were doing when the negative self-talk kicks in? We are in essence throwing internal verbal punches that are hurtful and just plain mean.

There is that old child saying “Sticks and stone will break my bones, but names will never hurt me.” Well those names don’t hurt if you don’t believe what the person is saying. Truly anyone can say anything to another person and if the person knows in their heart that it isn’t true, even the meanest and nastiest statements will roll right off without leaving a trace. Yet words, such as cruel and unkind names, can be incredibly hurtful if you believe in them. If you give the words power they can hurt more than any physical injury.

As one who has broken multiple bones in her life (my right foot in 4th grade, my left foot and left thumb in 6th grade, my pinky in 8th grade, my nose in college) I know what it feels like to have such physical injuries. Yet none of those physical bone-breaking events, even come close to hurting as much as an emotionally painful experience. Losing someone you love in a car accident is brutal, as I know from experience. So is having a self-esteem that is so low, that you feel so bad about yourself that you begin to wish you would just die.

What may seem really odd is that this opportunity to work my way out of falling into the mosh pit, arrived at an upbeat holiday party for work. Tradition is that our organizational parties are for employees only and we hold it during the work day. We also don’t do the same thing every year, so creativity abounds and each year is a fresh new experience. This year we gathered at a beautiful old Victorian hotel.

The large spacious banquet room was impressively decorated with large paned mirrors, impressive round hanging lighting fixtures and even two inset domes in the ceilings that had stunning mosaic designs.

So what could unsettle me and cause all this deep reflection at a party? Two words – fashion show.

The entertainment for this party was a fashion show that featured the designs of one particular designer. The designers staff was present to model and mc the show. Some staff had also been selected to walk the runway as models. One of the gifts to staff was a $70 voucher to use to purchase clothes at the end of the show. I might note that there have never been many men in our company and this year, even though the number of staff has grown, there were no men. I suspect if there had been any male staff the big activity for the day would have been different.

Again what is wrong with a fashion show? There is nothing actually wrong with it per se. Yet a line from Maya Angelou’s poem Phenomenal Woman may help to begin to enlighten you. “I’m not cute or built to suit a fashion model’s size.” The truth is that the clothes being featured would not fit someone my size. After the show when the majority of the women were shopping I initially sat at my table looking at a book a co-worker had brought to show me. The negative feelings started to spiral up. Thoughts of being too fat, of being different, of not fitting in, of feeling less than, of feeling like a failure for having gained weight again, began their attempt to fill my head. I could feel the heaviness and the sadness begin to pull at me. Then the judging thoughts for daring to commence a pity party for myself creeped in too. How could I be so ungrateful to not appreciate this party? How could I be so self-centered?

Rather than sit there and be pulled deeper into the pit I chose to do something. Lunch wasn’t going to be served for awhile in order to give all the ladies time to shop, so I headed outside to get some fresh air. It was an exceptionally crisp and beautiful day. Realizing I had my camera with me I went back to grab it. I love to take photographs and so I wandered around the block snapping photos of the gorgeous Victorians, a high-rise just a block down, bright green moss growing on old bricks, stunning red fall leaves, and holiday decorations.

I was so pleased with the images I was capturing. My attention had moved from focusing on those negative thoughts into focusing on my surroundings. Suddenly I was the artist at work capturing beautiful images.
The truth is that my head had begun to clear. I was reminded that I am a creative soul and that some of my happiest and best moments are when I am being artistic. There was a moment when I questioned whether or not it was right to play hooky from the party for a little while. However, it felt really good to honor what I needed in that moment. I needed to step away and take a little time for myself. Being outside, just me and my camera was the best thing for me in that moment. Self honor is a very good thing indeed.

Activity ~ Try observing an emotion in yourself that you would consider negative, such as jealousy, anger or irritation. Think to yourself “My isn’t that interesting that I am feeling such and such” and then stop there before you begin to judge yourself. We are not “bad” for feeling emotions like anger, frustration, jealousy, or irritation. Such emotions may ocassionally be a result of simply being tired, hungry, or dehydrated. More often they will be an indicator that there is something deeper going on inside. This is when our emotions are signs and maps about ourselves. Perhaps we are angry because we are not feeling respected. This emotion is an opportunity to stop and think and then recognize what is the real source. We can then make decisions and perhaps different choices and create better and healthier boundaries in our lives.

Suggested Reading ~ Poetry of Maya Angelou

Here is her poem PHENOMENAL WOMAN in its entirety:
Pretty women wonder where my secret lies.
I’m not cute or built to suit a fashion model’s size
But when I start to tell them,
They think I’m telling lies.
I say,
It’s in the reach of my arms
The span of my hips,
The stride of my step,
The curl of my lips.
I’m a woman
Phenomenally.
Phenomenal woman,
That’s me.
I walk into a room
Just as cool as you please,
And to a man,
The fellows stand or
Fall down on their knees.
Then they swarm around me,
A hive of honey bees.
I say,
It’s the fire in my eyes,
And the flash of my teeth,
The swing in my waist,
And the joy in my feet.
I’m a woman
Phenomenally.
Phenomenal woman,
That’s me.

Men themselves have wondered
What they see in me.
They try so much
But they can’t touch
My inner mystery.
When I try to show them
They say they still can’t see.
I say,
It’s the arch of my back,
The sun of my smile,
The ride of my breasts,
The grace of my style.
I’m a woman
Phenomenally.
Phenomenal woman,
That’s me.

Now you understand
Just why my head’s not bowed.
I don’t shout or jump about
Or have to talk real loud.
When you see me passing
It ought to make you proud.
I say,
It’s in the click of my heels,
The bend of my hair,
the palm of my hand,
The need of my care.
‘Cause I’m a woman
Phenomenally.
Phenomenal woman,
That’s me.

Ripples

Michelle Fairchild

It feels as if I have been catapulted into a more authentic life within the last few months. Only I know the real truth is that I have slowly been working my way up a winding road, seeking and searching for purpose. One of the big, glaring, flashing neon red signs on the long and winding road was FEAR. So many fears.

Fears….

of failing
of not being good enough
of not being liked
of being alone
of being rejected
of not being smart enough
of not being pretty enough

See how that word “enough” crops up a lot too in such statements.

I once read that FEAR is just an acronym for False Expectations Appearing Real. I can attest that those false expectations can be quite powerful and paralyzing.

Where I am leading with all of this is that I know that I am not the only woman to have such FEARS. At a women’s conference I attended we went around in a circle sharing some thoughts. It was startling how many women, regardless of whether they were young, mature, thin or large, shared how they felt they didn’t feel they were enough.

We women need to change these self-defeating patterns and thought processes.

We must begin to make commitments to ourselves.

We will value ourselves.
We will see our worth.
We will embrace our power.
We can’t change anyone but our self. Yet practicing self-love, self-care, and self-respect will have a powerful impact on others. It is the ripple effect. How we present and how we choose to be in this world will affect others.

Just one woman, who feels good about herself and embraces her power, will influence those around her. Her children, significant other, family, friends, co-workers and people she interacts with in her community will all benefit.

Activity ~ Say the following statements out loud and preferably in a mirror.

I value myself.
I am worthy.
I am powerful.


Suggested Reading ~ A Return to Love by Marianne Williamson.
Here is a passage from her book that has become very well known in some circles.
“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate.
Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure.
It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us.
We ask ourselves,
Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous?
Actually, who are you not to be?
You are a child of God.
Your playing small does not serve the world.
There is nothing enlightened about shrinking
so that other people won’t feel insecure around you.
We are all meant to shine, as children do.
We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us.
It’s not just in some of us; it’s in everyone.
And as we let our own light shine,
we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same.
As we are liberated from our own fear,
our presence automatically liberates others.”