The fourth element of our body is air. The best way to experience the air element is
the practice of mindful breathing. “Breathing in, I know I am breathing in.
Breathing out, I know I am breathing out.” After saying these sentences we can
abbreviate them by saying “In” as we breathe in and “Out” as we breathe out. We
don’t try to control our breathing. Whether our in-breath is long or short, deep or
shallow, we just breathe naturally and shine the light of mindfulness on it. When we
do this we notice that, in fact, our breathing does become slower and deeper
naturally. “Breathing in, my in-breath has become deep. Breathing out, my outbreath has become slow.” Now we can practice, “Deep/slow.” We don’t have to
make an extra effort. It just becomes deeper and slower by itself, and we recognize
Later on, you will notice that you have become calmer and more at ease. “Breathing
in, I feel calm. Breathing out, I feel at ease. I am not struggling anymore.
Calm/ease.” And then, “Breathing in, I smile. Breathing out, I release all my
worries and anxieties. Smile/release.” We are able to smile to ourselves and release
all our worries. There are more than three hundred muscles in our face, and when
we know how to breathe in and smile, these muscles can relax. This is “mouth
yoga.” We smile and are able to release all our feelings and emotions. The last
practice is, “Breathing in, I dwell deeply in the present moment. Breathing out, I
know this is a wonderful moment. Present moment/wonderful moment.” Nothing is
more precious than being in the present moment fully alive and aware.
Present moment, wonderful moment.
If you use this poem during sitting or walking meditation, it can be very nourishing
and healing. Practice each line for as long as you wish.
Another practice to help us be aware of our breathing is counting. As you breathe
in, count “one” and as you breathe out, count “one” again. Then “Two/two,”
“Three/three,” until you arrive at ten. After that, go back in the other direction:
“Ten/ten,” “Nine/nine,” and so on, until you arrive back at one. If you do get lost go
back to “one” and begin again. Relax. It’s only a game. When you succeed in
counting, you can drop the numbers if you like and just say “in” and “out.”
Conscious breathing is a joy.”
These deep thoughts I had as a child held true for me throughout my life. While in college I had some wonderful roommates who were Christian and very active in a Christian fellowship on campus. I attended gatherings and events with them and thoroughly enjoyed their friendships and activities. There finally came a point though when I attended the lecture of a visiting minister. My question to him, one that I struggled with, was how could they say that a good person who was Muslim, Hindu or Buddhist would go to this “hell” that Christians believe in. It made no logical sense that a loving God would sentence good and kind people to some hellish afterlife simply because they were not Christian. They tried to explain that while it seemed harsh it was the truth.
~Beth Wilson Saavedra
There are inherent problems with comparing oneself to other parents and I found that Beth Wilson Saavedra captured this well in her book Meditations for New Mothers. She writes, “As mothers, we compare ourselves to other mothers. We try to model ourselves after the mothers we respect. When our lives don’t look like theirs, however, we feel like failures. We forget that we aren’t the same people, living in the same house, with the same bank account.
Our children, too, are different, and they challenge us in different ways. The circumstances of their births, the level of their needs, and the diversity of their personalities, all create unique scenarios that must be dealt with in a way that is fitting for them. We must ‘row with the oars we have.’ They’ll probably prevent the boar from going adrift. There are two sides to every oar.”
Eventually I began to take steps to work through the depression. One powerfully proactive effort was to see a therapist regularly for a year. Being a reader I also turned to books for help and advice. A search for a practice of some kind, spiritual or not, also called to me. I began exploring Buddhism and have been meeting weekly with a small group to read books on Buddhism and discuss them. The group I meet with also chants as part of their practice. I initially found this to be very uncomfortable and foreign. It took me more than eight months to finally give it a try. I learned I just needed to customize the chanting to fit my needs. I have now added to this morning chanting ritual by writing morning pages as Julia Cameron recommends in her book The Artist’s Way right after. Sifting through random thoughts first thing in the morning has proven to be beneficial.
1) Knowing that I am not alone with finding parenting to be challenging, difficult, frustrating and even infuriating.
2) Having someone to talk with who will not judge me for my negative thoughts about parenting.
I have one friend here in town who is more than 10 years older than me. She chose not to have children as she really didn’t think she had the temperament nor the patience for it. She is a great person for me to talk to at times about things I don’t like about being a parent, things that drive me crazy or really make me grieve “life before children” (and marriage too.) I also find that sharing stories with her about parenting sometimes turn those events into very humorous and hysterical accounts when spoken aloud. She will crack up and also tell me at times – “Thank you for reminding me that I made the right decision not to have kids.” I in turn get insight into her single life without children. At times her life sounds so wonderful and free and at times I am more grateful for having a partner and children.
3) Reading books or writings that express what I have felt and am feeling, because it normalizes it.
For example Sarah Napthali writes in her book Buddhism for Mothers of Young Children, “We have all had moments as mothers when we are struck by where we have suddenly found ourselves. We might smile as we marvel at the new world we now inhabit and how far away it seems from our old world. Sometimes, we miss our old world, we struggle to surrender our former freedoms, our youth and all those evening, weekends and holidays to ourselves. Sometimes we look in our mirrors, look at our messy living rooms or at the clock that reds three in the morning, and ask, ‘Where am I?'”
I also really like this one that is also from the book Meditations for New Mothers by Beth Wilson Saavedra, “No matter how much time we take to prepare, childbirth dramatically changes our lives overnight. It is only natural to long for ‘life before baby.’ We think of the freedom we had. We could read a book until we finished it, hop on a plane to Paris, or throw a lavish dinner party. Whether or not we actually did these things is irrelevant. It’s the feeling that we could have done them that causes us to grieve for our lost freedom. It’s normal to feel confined after life-with-baby begins. it doesn’t mean we don’t love our child. It doesn’t mean we don’t enjoy being a mother. I have given up some things to be a mom. But they are not gone from me forever.”
4) Learning to not beat myself up for negative thoughts about parenting.
They are just thoughts. I don’t need to give power to these thoughts. I don’t’ need to judge myself for having these thoughts. I can just have them, observe them and then move on.
5) Understand that I have needs that need to be honored and respected. I need quiet at times. I need alone time. I need time to read, write and create.
Sometimes I take time to fulfill these needs while the girls are still sleeping in the early morning or at night. Other times I let my husband know I need to take a little time for me. This has been a hard one for me because there is a tendency to feel guilty for taking time away from my daughters when I work full time and I am already away from them 8 hours or more every day during the week. Yet I have found it necessary for my emotional well being. This is why I have been getting better at taking time for me and scheduling dates with myself. For example, already I am so looking forward to the fact that I have Martin Luther King day off in a couple of weeks and that the daycare is open that day. My plan is for the girls to do to daycare so that I can have a day to paint, write, listen to music and not give one ounce of myself to chores or answering to someone else’s needs.
6) I try not to compare myself to others, because this usually leads to feeling inadequate and feeling dissatisfaction with myself.
The other night my husband shared a beautiful statement about being a father and what it means to him and how he feels like he was meant to be a dad. It was touching and I immediately suggested he write it down so that one day the girls could read it. My thoughts also started to go to a place of comparing myself to him, because I didn’t exactly feel the same way. I don’t feel as if I was “meant to be a mom.” More often I feel that I am limping along in this role. I know I am not a bad mom, yet there is that element in me that wishes I was a great mom. There are probably moments when I am indeed a great mom, but I certainly don’t feel that all the time. Hearing my husband speak of how he so loves his role started to make me feel “less than.” Yet then I pulled up the reins on spiraling into that thought pattern.